


The Battle of Area 51

by nicostolemybones (fatherlords)



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Basically everyone's here - Freeform, Complete crack fic, F/F, F/M, I swear I will update my other fics one day, I'm so so sorry you have to read this trash, M/M, Multi, a break from my usually serious writing style, a complete mess, basically meme inspired, demigods at area 51, shaggy v thanos, solangelo fic, they raid area 51
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 18:45:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20247550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatherlords/pseuds/nicostolemybones
Summary: Demigods raid area 51. Pure crack fic.I do not give permission for my work to appear on any apps nor do I consent to my work being reposted anywhere. If you see my work outside of my tumblr or outside of any blogs/accounts I mention in my fics, please report/contact them or inform me. If you report them, do not report as if it were your own work.My tumblr is @nicohasahappymeal





	The Battle of Area 51

“This is not a game,” Nico lectured sternly, and Percy snickered. “This is no laughing matter, Jackson! Okay, let’s run through the plan one last time! Ares cabin, Clarisse, you’ll lead the charge, take down the guards, lay down cover fire for the Naruto runners! Poseidon Cabin, Zeus cabin, you guys whip up a storm to help the Ares cabin! Apollo cabin and Hunters of Artemis, you’re the snipers, I want you on high ground firing arrows at them! Aphrodite cabin, charmspeak those guards to let us past and to give us access codes to all the rooms and spill all the secrets! Hecate cabin, use the mist to make decoys! Nemesis cabin, remember, this is vengeance for all the imprisoned aliens and that’s why you’re here! Demeter cabin, slow the guards down with thick vines and poisonous plants! Athena cabin, you’re working on infiltrating and hacking all the computers! Hephaestus cabin, burn down gun stations, jam missiles, Festus can burn down doorways, I want to see you guys working on all the technology we steal and I want you all to figure out all the machines inside and use them for our advantage! Dionysus cabin, get them drunk, make them temporarily mad, weaken their defences! Iris cabin, use your abilities to disorientate and distract the guards! Hypnos cabin- CLOVIS WAKE UP- send the guards to sleep when you can! Hermes cabin, you’re stealing and sneaking in whilst the guards are distracted! Hades cabin- well Hazel- summon obstacles and summon weapons, shadow travel aliens to safety. The rest of you, just fuck shit up with your abilities! Romans; same rules apply, and follow the orders of your Praetors, do not go against orders unless necessary!”

“LET’S CLAP SOME ALIEN CHEEKS!” Connor yelled. Nico glared at him, whilst the younger campers plus Percy erupted into giggles. 

“There will be no clapping alien cheeks,” Nico sighed in exasperation, “no alien cheeks will be clapped by anybody, by Olympus what the Hades is wrong with straight people?”

“Wait you’re gay?!”

“Yes but that’s not the point, just- go blend in with the mortals! Solace- you’re with me, we’ll go in with the Naruto runners and you need to make sure we don’t infect the aliens and they don’t infect us, and treat the wounded.” Percy wolf-whistled, so Nico summoned a skeleton to smack him round the back of the head. The group of demigods dispersed amongst the mortal army- which wasn’t much, but between the Kyles, weeaboos, tumblr trash, and Naruto runners, there was a fair few, and some cosplayers, DnD players, and medieval recreation nerds seemed to have a fair amount of weapons and armour- even if most of it was plastic light sabers, Klingon Bat’leths, and various other fantasy weapons. 

Everything was quiet for a while, and the battle was more a staring down contest between the guards and the civilian raiders. Phones were beginning to live stream, and that’s when the Stoll brothers yelled the immortal battle cry “DO IT FOR THE VINE!!!” and the mortal crowd roared and cheered, repeating the battle cry.

“PEANUT BUTTER!!!” Tyson yelled as the crowd surged forwards. Nico screamed, Naruto running as fast as he could towards the guards, summoning skeleton armies of Naruto runners to back them up, but as soon as the guards opened fire, many Naruto runners gave up and turned away running back, or decided it best to run “normally”. One dedicated man had turned his electric wheelchair into some kind of turbo charged mini tank shaped like a Dalek. Fortnite dancers fortnite danced as they charged, Harry Potter fans desperately yelled out Unforgiveable Curses. Stargate fans dressed as Jaffa and Goa’uld warriors charged with staff weapons and pellet guns, some wearing “Free Thor” t-shirts- but not Marvel’s Thor or the Norse God thor- but rather the tiny alien guy Nico recognised from when Will made him watch Stargate. The Stargate Atlantis fans came dressed as Wraith instead. Marvel fans were clad in full superhero gear, although some fights had broken out between them and the DC fans. Star Wars fans dressed in Jedi robes. Clad in armour, the demigods didn’t look out of place. Nico was pleased to see the Egyptian magicians being lead by Sadie and Carter Kane, Magnus Chase and Samirah al-Abbass leading the Valkyries, Alex Fierro next to Frank Zhang shapeshifting into whatever they could. Alex stopped occasionally so she could spray mace into the eyes of Terfs. 

Nico shadow travelled at the last minute, grabbing hold of Will and pulling him through the shadows. Will didn’t slow down when they emerged, and the image of Will Naruto running headfirst into a wall was going to be a source of laughter in Nico’s mind for many years to come. Thankfully, he didn’t do a Jason and knock himself out. “Ah fuck, I can’t believe you’ve done this!” Will gasped, and Nico raised his eyebrow. In the distance, they heard Grover cause a Panic- although it didn’t affect the guards about to shoot Will in the face, so Will let out a shrill whistle and Naruto ran for it. 

“Dork,” Nico jibed, pulling Will into the shadows again. Nico meant for them to land inside an aircraft hangar- but it soon became clear that they were inside some kind of alien spaceship. 

“Holy Hera,” Will gasped, “Nico THIS SHIP HAS A STARGATE! NICO LOOK THAT IS A STARGATE, IMMA DIAL ABYDOS-”

“Focus, Solace,” Nico warned, “we can do that once we get this back to camp. I wasn’t allowed to drive the sun chariot so I’ll drive this time.”

“I get the feeling I’m gonna die if I let you drive,” Will replied, and Nico huffed. 

“That’s if I don’t kill your stupid face first,” he retorted proudly, and Will snickered, looking around the ship. 

“OH MY GODS NICO THERE’S A LIGHT SABER HERE!”

“DIBS THE RED ONE,” Nico yelled, rushing over and grabbing one, almost decapitating Will in his excitement. 

“We should summon up a certain ghost,” Will grinned. 

“Are you suggesting we prank call Castellan?”

“Nico, dude. You have to, for humanity. Do it for our children.” 

Several runs to McDonald’s later and Luke Castellan’s ghost was confronted by Nico in pitch black armour and a light saber to speak the immortal words: “Luke, I am your father.” Luke’s ghost laughed. The gods applauded from Olympus. Will was unable to get up off the floor through his raucous laughter. 

After several minutes of exploring the craft, the two demigods were armed with phasers and now possessed the infinity gauntlet- although they both agreed not to let Percy near it in case he dabbed rather than Thanos snapped at monsters. Nico shadow travelled a fair amount of the loot back to camp, where Chiron stood facepalming and shaking his head. This is when Nico learned that the Party Ponies had joined the raid and found out that Monster Donut were sponsoring Area 51. Nico returned to find Will making a flower crown for a baby alien he’d found hidden in the glove compartment. “Is that what I think it is,” Nico questioned, and Will smiled. 

“An alien? Well yeah.”

“No, I meant a baby. Are you seriously holding a baby?”

“Yeah, a cute little alien baby, I made them a flower crown and put a bow in their hair! Well I hope it’s a baby otherwise I just told a whole-ass adult I’m their daddy now.” Nico choked- Will didn’t appear to realise the innuendo his words would have turned into if the alien was an adult. Will appeared to have adopted an alien child and that somehow melted Nico completely. Stupid son of Apollo being a perfect dad to an abandoned alien baby found in the glove compartment of a space ship.

“You can’t just raise a child, Will, the parents won’t pay child support and you’re like- fifteen and you look- you look twelve, okay, you look like a foetus!”

“Nico I’m only two months older than you,” Will laughed, “I’m still fourteen like you are, idiot. Although technically you’re ninety, you can be the grandpa.”

“I’m not going to be your daddy, Solace,” Nico replied, forgetting how it may have sounded like an innuendo, and Will choked and spluttered. 

“That word is officially banned,” Will squeaked, and Nico quickly nodded in agreement. Thankfully before it could get any more awkward, the alien child started to cry. “Oh my gods Nico what do I do with it?”

“Does it have an off switch or batteries you can take out like the babies they give you in school?”

“Um- I can’t see any off switch, Nico, what do I do?!”

“You’re the doctor! Sing to it! Just don’t do a Hera and yeet it off a mountain or out of a window, I don’t need you Percying this into a worse situation than it already is!”

“Oh my gods I’m a single parent before I’ve had the talk,” Will whined, trying to hum a lullaby to the alien baby, which screeched, turned into a bug, and ran. Will shrieked and Nico accidentally summoned a pile of alien skulls. “Hey! My singing isn’t that bad,” Will protested, and the alien bug screeched again and shot some kind of web at Will’s face. Will squealed, trying clumsily to wipe the webbing off his face. Once Nico stopped laughing, he helped to pull the webbing out of Will’s hair, although once he managed to detangle the last of the webbing, he found himself enthralled by the soft bouncy texture of Will’s hair. It was curly like Nico’s, but dryer to the touch, probably a testament to the hours of sunbathing Nico figured Will had to do in order to stay tanned all year round. He didn’t realise he was obsessively caressing his best friend’s hair until he felt Will’s hand on his shoulder. Nico gasped, snapping his hand back and muttering an apology, but Will merely smiled and gods that smile melted Nico. “Fellas, is it gay to kiss your homie at Area 51,” Will asked to nobody in particular, and Nico found himself turning puce as Will leaned in, placing a gentle but certainly not platonic kiss on Nico’s lips. Nico’s brain seemed to short circuit, skeletal butterflies resurrecting down his spine and in his stomach.

When Nico’s brain finally managed a coherent thought, all he could manage to say was “that’s gay.” 

Will snorted, resting his head on Nico’s shoulder as he laughed silently. “You’re gay,” he finally replied through giggles.

“Well you kissed me, you’re gay,” Nico retorted with a huff.

“Yeah, but is it gay if it’s your homie and you’re in Area 51,” Will asked with an impish grin, lifting his head and giving Nico a mishievous grin.

“We are gay, you dumbass,” Nico replied, lightly shoving Will’s shoulder.

“I guess we are,” Will replied with feigned thoughtfulness lacing his voice, “maybe we should make out just to be sure.”

“Don’t push your luck, Solace,” Nico said sternly, and Will pouted comically. Nico stood on his toes and leaned up, but he was too short to reach, so Will leaned down and Nico was finally able to place a rough kiss on Will’s lips. 

And of course, that just had to be the exact moment to hear a chorus of “two bros, chillin’ in a space ship, five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay!” They broke apart immediately, startled by the presence of an Iris message showing Percy, Jason, Leo and Piper all grinning stupidly at them and Annabeth rolling her eyes.

“I’ll kill you all if you dare tell anyone,” Nico warned, raising skeletons to chase after them- although the skeletons were certainly not human. Leo and Percy screamed and ran, whilst Piper and Will laughed loudly. Jason merely raised his eyebrow, and Nico shrugged in response. 

“So, that’s your type, huh,” Percy grinned, “I never thought we’d share a type!”

“What,” Nico snapped.

“Bossy blondes,” Percy replied, and Jason and Annabeth glared daggers.

“I agree,” Piper chimed in, “bossy blondes are worth the trouble.” This time, Jason and Annabeth both blushed. 

Nico shrugged, looking back to Will, who seemed to be pre-occupied with the Stargate behind them. “Well, this one’s my bossy blond,” Nico replied fondly.

“Troublemakers are my type,” Annabeth replied, and Percy and Piper bowed proudly, “and Jason’s.”

“My type is pouty emo kids with long hair and sexy accents,” Will replied, and Nico blushed darkly.

“Your type is troublemakers,” Piper replied, “the ideal OTP formula is bossy blonde and troublemaking brunette, you can’t change my mind.”

“Whatever,” Nico protested. The Iris message cut off when a fight broke out between a Star Wars stan and a Trekkie. 

“So,” Will began immediately, “can we be boyfriends now?”

“Only if you keep PDA to a minimum,” Nico replied, and Will beamed, glowing a warm amber light. Before they could do much more, however, a loud explosion ripped their attention away from each other. They both ran out to find the source of the explosion, and that is where they found Clarisse refereeing a battle between Shaggy and Thanos. The Stolls were running a betting ring, and Nico was sure they were all gonna die. But hey, it was a room full of Millennials and Gen Z, so nobody seemed particularly bothered by the danger of the situation, because this footage would certainly be legendary. Thanos snapped, and Shaggy disintegrated, only to reform using 1% of his power and steal the gauntlet. Shaggy dabbed, and Thanos was no more. Clarisse blew her whistle and the fight was over- the most epic showdown in human history and it had only taken seconds. Within minutes, lightening struck, and that was the moment Percy groaned loudly in realisation that the gods had been responsible for Area 51 all along. 

“FUCK YOU, ZEUS,” Percy yelled, and the lightening would have struck him if it wasn’t for Shaggy eating the lightening bolt and letting out a loud burp. 

“Do you have any wisdom, O mighty one,” Kayla asked, bowing at Shaggy’s feet.

“Sometimes you just gotta eat the enemy, man,” Shaggy replied, and the demigods let out a collective awed ‘ooohhh’. It was that moment that Shaggy burped out a heart-shaped arrow, and Nico realised that Shaggy had vored Cupid. Nico felt a smug grin break through his usually stoic expression, and Jason cheered loudly from the sidelines.

“Anyway, Shaggy said gay rights,” Will grinned.

“Actually, young man,” Shaggy said, gently resting his hand on Will’s shoulder, “I say gay and trans rights. And on that note, I think I might assassinate the president! Until next time, guys, gals, and non-binary pals!” And with that, and a wink to Alex Fierro, Shaggy dissipated into the wind, enraging the bigots and empowering the queer kids. 

The raid continued into the night, the Stolls helping to take technology back to camp and Clarisse leading the charge against the military. It was only when Nico and Will made their way to the middle of the camp, all of the aliens freed and all technology liberated, that the end of the raid was in sight. Nico opened the final door, the entire raid party behind them, to find Rick Astley tied to a chair, singing Never Gonna Give You Up. It was then that they realised: they had been Rickrolled by the government.


End file.
